Always Judge a Book by its Cover

Some books win awards, some win our heart, and others... only serve to confuse.

Dancing with Cats.

You’ve seen Dances with Wolves 1000 times. You never miss an episode of Dancing with the stars. Well, now you’re ready for Dancing with Cats!

This book isn’t about that cat and mouse that’s between a cat and a mouse. It’s about the cat and mouse that’s between a human and a cat. “Please for the love of all that is holy let me love you” would be the words I would utter within my brain, trying to win the affections of my beloved cat.

I grew tired of the same ole tango, the same old two-step, the same regular cat and mouse and invested in Dancing with Cats.

Now, my cat and I are two peas in a pod. Dance partners who start with ballroom as the sun goes down… explore contemporary dance throughout the night, and bring the sun up with a powerful foxtrot.

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Don't Sit On the Baby!

Often things come easier to some peope, and others, just have to learn the hard way.

Whether you’re considering a new life with a baby in it or reflecting on your days of carefree sitting, there’s always something that can be learned.

Don’t sit on the baby is a practical guide to get you through those early days with some very clear do’s (feed the baby) and dont’s (sit on the baby)… these are just a couple of little teasers if you want more, and i can tell you do, you’re going to have to delve deep into the pages yourself!

Once you’re finished, you’ll have a book full of post-its and a solid understanding of how to get your baby out of those baby years, and into those toddler years where you’ll find sitting on them is still not a thing you should do.

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Open Wide For The Handsome Sabertooth Dentist Who Is Also A Ghost

When you really think about it, a dentist with saber teeth should really know what they’re doing.

You’re sitting on the dentist’s clean white chair, the brisk sterilized smell crosses your nose. You look over to the tools neatly arranged as you wait patiently for your inspection.

Open Wide, the dentist says as he snaps the gloves on his hands.

… Up until this point, we’re in the mundane realm of our own lives, something we all need a break from, and that is where this book comes in!

You open your mouth as the semi-transparent ghost dentist peers into your mouth. “Hmm” he mumbles, as you peek open an eye to see his the inflection on his face, but not without taking in a big gleaming look at his clean as can be large white saber teeth.

You breathe out a relaxing sigh and lean back in comfort knowing that someone with teeth like these has absolutely mastered their craft.

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The Stray Shopping Carts of Eastern North America

Are you considering a trip to Eastern North America? It would be a huge missed opportunity to go without knowing how to identify the shopping carts of the local areas.

For those in the know, the differences between Eastern and Western North American shopping carts are just night and day.

Honestly, I sometimes lie awake at night cringing at the cart misidentification of my past.

Those days are long behind me though, whether it be the northern four-wheeled whistler, to the eastern tri-tailed wongler.

When it comes down to brass tacks, with this book, you’ll never be ignorant again.

The Stray Shopping Carts on Amazon

Be Bold with Bananas.

You’re bold with apples. You’re bold with oranges. Well now, its time to be Bold. With. Bananas!

An instant classic that will take you right back to its publishing date, 1974.

An instant beloved treasure that will open your eyes to the world of bananas.

An instant friend that will sit quietly on the bookshelf at your home… you’ll look across the room in a small gathering and make gentle eye contact, and feel true comfort.

An instant memory, from the first time you open the book entering your new bold banana life.

And an instant life long wondering that will sit deep in your soul, as you wonder how you ever looked at bananas as boring.

Bold with Bananas on Amazon

Identifying Wood

Yep, It’s Wood.

You may not know it, but you are surrounded by wood. Your Dining table and chairs? Wood. The walls of your house? Wood. Literally every single tree? Wood.

Oh my, you’re realizing that your ability to identify wood might be a little more important than you first thought!

Next, you’re going to learn that there are hard and softwoods… try to fathom the intense power you would have if you could walk into a room and say “yep, that’s a soft cedar hybrid”. Phew, that’s a lot of power that needs to be wielded with extreme care.

Now, I’m imagining the look on your face when, and this is a little spoiler, you then realize that the book itself, in an act of meta genius that would truly make M. Night Shyamalan weep, is also MADE OF WOOD. Yes, just like the mind-warping idea of the brain trying to analyze itself via the medical branch of neurology, this wood is trying to explain to you who it is, and what it is all about!

Identifying Wood on Amazon

A Million Random Digits with 100,000 Normal Deviates

The perfect guidebook for numbers 0 to 9 in random order!

When was the time you read a book that contained every single number in it… probably never!

Not only does this book contain 0’s and 1’s, but it also has 2’s and 3’s. In fact, it contains all ten numbers that exist.

Now, the book touts that these digits are in completely random order, but some dark edges of the internet believe there is a pattern in this book, waiting for someone with rain-man like abilities to truly decode its secrets.

Each night, my young son lies eagerly for me to sit and in the most monotone voice read out these numbers. A quick search says it will take approximately 12 days of straight reading to get to the end. I expect to finish by the time he turns 23.

A Million Random Digits on Amazon

Don't Bend Over in the Garden, Granny, You Know Them Taters Got Eyes

I know one thing for sure, it’s that author if author Lewis Grizzard was born a millennial, he’d be dropping the dankest memes left, right and center.

As someone who previously knew not to bend over in the garden, and that them taters (boil em, mash em, stick em in a stew) do indeed have eyes, the instructional words of the title were lost to me.

Even then though, Lewis Grizzard’s greasy slicked back hair, up-way-too-high cameltoe inspiring pants, American gothic fork, and beady beady eyes stared right into my soul, leaning over he whispered the somber words “take me home and read me”

The cover of this book alone makes it worthy of the Pulitzer Prize for photography. The content of the book, which can’t possibly be as interesting also exists.

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All That the Rain Promises and More

Trumpets, tuxedo’s, mushroom’s and more.

This beautiful pocket guide to mushrooms is one of the most confusing covers that have ever existed, it can only be assumed that upon finishing the book, David Arora, who has has previous mushroom based publications (that themselves have fully sensible covers) realized on his way to perform with his local philharmonic, trumpet in hand reached out into the forrest and ripped up some mushrooms taking careful care not to get any dirt on his freshly rented tuxedo and snapped a quick pic… sent it off to the publisher and bam, straight onto the cover it went.

All things considered though, while “all that rain promised” this day was a neat and small guide to local mushrooms, there is a lot of love to this practical guide. With this in your pocket you too should never be too concerned or struggling to identify some special treats whenever you’re out with trumpet in hand!

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Sun-beams may be extracted from cucumbers, but the process is tedious.

The most boring book, for the most boring person.

As someone who prides themselves in collecting strange and boring books, I have to say, this one truly takes the cucumber… but the process is tedious.

Now. If you love cucumbers, sun, beams, tedious processes, or have family in New Haven then there is a chapter within this marvelous oration for you.

But for real, if you’re into 1800’s history, and have the true strength of will and mind to look past the red flags that are the cover and title of this wonder, then you’re in for a treat; That is, a series of manuscripts for your trouble, providing insights into the lives and troubles of people who would definitely not read this if it was between that and eating 15 raw cucumbers in a row.

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How to poo on a date

Finally, someone is answering the questions we’ve all had on our lips from the age of 14.

When it comes to dating there are endless resources, literally, endless. Enough that you could read from the age of 10 until the age of 99 and still have more to read. Interestingly though, very few websites, blogs, libraries, or archives dig into the taboo subject of pooping on dates.

Without giving too much away, you’ll learn a vast array of tools to help you in those awkward situations. From the slightly too long “just going to freshen up” to the “oh, the line is really big, sorry” text message sent as you’re sitting on the John.

Really though, knowing when and how to get away when you need to “get away” is an incredibly useful skill, and will remain useful as long as you’re a human who needs to poop.

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Anybody Can Be Cool, But Awesome Takes Practice

Cool people? They’re a dime a dozen. Look left, look right, there they are. But Awesome people… that’s a whole different thing.

Practicing being Awesome with a capital A is a difficult task, with many sub awesome tasks that you will need to overcome on your quest to the guy on the cover of this book… lighting up his audience with an eye wateringly beautiful tale of how when he wakes up in the morning, the sun looks to him to see if it should rise.

It may take more than one read through, but over time this book will open you up to the possibility of being awesome.

Leonidis, before leading his Spartans into the grueling battle ahead, often quoted this book as to one of his main influences and sources of strength.

Anybody Can Be Cool on Amazon

How to S**t in the woods.

The ultimate wilderness guide for the shy pooper.

Throw away your first and second editions. Grab your specialty hiking trowel off your hiking specific utility belt (not the one you use for city life, or home life), and get ready for an adventure into nature knowing full well that you will be the most perpared person because the third edition is here today!

If you’ve ever had to poop before (I’m guessing that because you’re reading this, that may be the case), you may know some of the dynamics at play… and perhaps you’ve learned a thing or two through the first two editions, but in the third (I’ve never missed one), the author has really opened up my eyes to a whole different way of life.

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Do It Yourself Coffins for Pets and People

If you’re a fan of the darker side of literature, this one is for you.

Edgar Allan Poe wept, whilst reading the ever macabre “Do it yourself coffins”, for he knew that there was a whole new dimension of darkness that could be bled from the pages.

Whether you’re the amateur coffin maker or the do-it-yourself planner of the future, you shouldn’t browse without at least considering this beauty.

Now, this doesn’t go without warning, if you’re the perfectionist looking for the perfect place to rest your head, reviews of this book suggest there are many some improvements that can be made… for those, I guess we’ll be waiting for the second edition.

Do It Yourself Coffins on Amazon

Walmart Atlas

The only atlas you’ll ever need.

Imagine this, you get back from a busy day in the city. You’re tired of your job and the endless grind. You open your Walmart Atlas. Closing your eyes, you start flicking through the pages with your keyboard-calloused fingers. You slap your index finger down on a random page.

The famous Walmart of Omaha, Nebraska.

Your eyes light up, that’s it! You book the flights immediately, not an ounce of doubt in your mind.

You jet to Nebraska, and go straight to the mart! The deals are amazing. The food is amazing. Your problems are gone! All because of this amazing resource.

Walmart Atlas on Amazon

The Beginner's Guide to Sex in the Afterlife

Let’s just say that you don’t really want to go to the afterlife without a little knowledge about how it all goes down over there.

The thing about the afterlife is that you don’t exist anymore… everything is different without the earthly tethers. And one of the things that are most different, at the very least according to this book, is sex.

Now, the real trick is getting a headstart on the afterlife in regular life! Especially when you exist on another plane of existence, potentially in physical form, but very likely as a fluid ectoplasm… get ahead when you can… and what better place to start than the fundamentals.

Sex in the Afterlife on Amazon

How to Make a Towel Monkey and other Cruise Ship Favorites

One of the worlds greatest mysteries finally revealed.

There are many things that keep me up at night… the mysteries entangled within the Bermuda Triangle, the DaVinci Code, and the sock missing from the washing machine… the secret of the towel monkey was another of the universes most tightly kept secrets until this tell-all exclusive!

If you’ve ever tried to painstakingly deconstruct a towel monkey, in step-by-step meticulous detail, you will have fallen into the same traps as I did. When you eventually try to piece it back together you’re left with a wrinkled towel with a couple of ugly twists resembling more of a twisted sweat rag than a monkey.

It might be hard to believe, but with this first edition book, the elusive towel monkey will suddenly be in your grasp!

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Mom is Dating Weird Wayne

Find out what mom is up to next in this exciting hit.

Oh no! You wake from a nightmare and remember that your mom is still dating weird Wayne.

This book is more of a guidebook than a novel: how to come up with creative ways to distract and disturb your mother as she tries to re-enter the dating world and become happy again.

An extra disturbing feature of this book is that there is one on sale (at the time of writing) for over $800… I guess good advice is hard to come by these days.

Mom is Dating Weird Wayne on Amazon

People Who Don't Know They're Dead: How They Attach Themselves to Unsuspecting Bystanders and What to Do About It

Has someone dead attached themselves to you? This guide will help you, and them, move on.

There is a wonderful duality to this book. Its the kind that will help you if you’re healthy and alive, but also, if you’re the kind of introspective dead person it will also be a very useful resource.

The real treasure of this beauty is the chapters on attachment to unsuspecting bystanders, which again are relevant to both the living and dead.

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Better Never to Have Been: The Harm Of Coming Into Existence

The very thought of sitting down to write, and deciding that the knowledge you wish to share with the world is purely what the world would be like without you in it… gives me the strangest kind of chills.

If you ever lie awake wondering about the butterfly effect… what small things you’ve done in the world that have had massive repercussions, then this book is not for you, because after it you’ll actually just straight up stop sleeping.

That said, if you’re in a deep, dark, “You don’t know me dad or what I’m going through!” kind of mood, perhaps the idea of exploring life without humans interference is actually going to be fun! You might learn something too!

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