Always Judge a Book by its Cover

Some books win awards, some win our heart, and others... only serve to confuse.

How to Talk to Your Cat About Gun Safety

Do you love your cat? Well, no self-respecting cat mom or dad would let their baby grow up without a solid grounding in gun safety.

Not only does this resource cover gun safety, which can be at times a difficult subject to breach with your kittens, it also covers abstinence, drugs, and satanism!

Nine lives arent an excuse to be ignorant of the dangers as well as the ups and downs of living a healthy and safe life, free from gun-related accidents.

With this book you’ll sleep easy, knowing Whiskers has all the tools that he needs to go out into the world in a safe and positive manner.

How to Talk to Your Cat on Amazon Listen on Audible

Learning to Play With a Lion's Testicles

Without a doubt, this book is required to complete any bookshelf.

Are you an adventurous traveler, looking to make the leap from the page to the jungle… if so, this book is without a doubt for you.

“Learning to play with lions testicles” eloquently combines both the internal and external challenges the author faces, be it elephants, torrential storms, or the guilt and recovery of a lost loved one.

Honestly, the title here is all cheek. Playing with a lions testicles, of course, referring to a foolhardy task. That said, there’s nothing foolhardy about digging into a new book.

To Play With a Lion's Testicles on Amazon

Outwitting Squirrels: 101 Cunning Stratagems

The full title is quite the mouthful. “Outwitting Squirrels: 101 Cunning Stratagems to Reduce Dramatically the Egregious Misappropriation of Seed from Your Birdfeeder by Squirrels”

Do squirrels always seem one step ahead of the game to you? I know they did for me… but after this book, I can call them thoroughly and utterly outwitted.

Honestly, I can say that now as I walk down the street, the squirrels turn their heads as to not make eye contact. It’s truly a liberating feeling.

There are, as the title suggests a full 101 stratagems within these 240 pages, and honestly, it proves itself to be the best guidebook out there since the 2nd, and 1st edition.

Outwitting Squirrels on Amazon Listen on Audible

Toilet Paper Origami: Delight your Guests with Fancy Folds

Have you ever been waiting outside a bathroom, and the person inside seems to be spending a little too much time in there. Well, now you know that they’ve read this book.

Whether you’re the slow pooper or the kind of person who likes to be prepared for when your phone inevitably runs out of battery, and you’re left sitting there vulnerably, without utilizing the time for something productive.

I had lived my life as a lone toilet paper-folding enthusiast, though, upon leaving the privy, left a single toilet paper rose.

Someone found that rose, stalking through the establishment, trying to find their toilet paper Adonis, for the rose held such beauty. And that my friend, is how I met your mother.

Toilet Paper Origami on Amazon

Crafting with Cat Hair: Cute Handicrafts to Make with Your Cat

Have you been storing your cat’s hair, waiting for your moment? Well, your moment is now.

Crafting with Cat Hair is the kind of page-turner that keeps you up at night. Not only will do I love it, but my Cat (always loving the brush) also can’t put it down either.

Kaori Tsutaya goes above and beyond in the hunt for literary perfection, covering the topic from the garden of Eden (gathering the cat’s hair) right through to the completion of the world (crafting cats from your cats).

The Huffington Post says: “It caught our attention.” … and that’s all you really need to know before you take the leap and join the immensely immense world of crafting with cat hair.

Crafting with Cat Hair on Amazon

But... you're a horse

No zany intro for this one… everything about it scares me.

Fifty shades of neigh!

“But… you’re a horse?” But… why a horse. Where do I begin? If you’re the kind of person who has got it all figured out and walks through day to day life without concern or worry. If you never second guess yourself. If you feel that you’re a complete person, with a complete life, and fit wonderfully into the picture you drew in your head as a child of what adult life would be like… then maybe you need a challenge. And this book is a challenge.

Counter to fitting into those very specific requirements. If you’re interested in a book that will answer no questions in your life and will only complicate things further than this could be the right place for you.

But you're a horse on Amazon

Images You Should Not Masturbate To

The fact of the matter is, if you have something to teach, people will want to learn. And this book teaches a lot.

No book in this list has riled up the critics in such a controversial way.

“What are these images, and why not?” ~ are some of the questions you may ask. But this book is here for a reason… and the first step is understanding that. The second step is accepting it.

You Should Not Masturbate To on Amazon

How to Raise Your I.Q. by Eating Gifted Children

Children are the new Super Food.

The topic of cannibalism is not a sticky one. It’s pretty set in stone, so you won’t find any strange information coming from me when it comes down to brass tacks… that said, in this world’s competitive environment, you’re going to need to find an edge. And if you don’t, someone else will.

That being said, if you are the kind of person who likes to talk about their I.Q. … perhaps casually bringing it up in conversation at the dinner table, parties, or generally silent rooms, then maybe there is some useful information in here that might pique your fancy, and give you those extra few intelligence quotient points, allowing you to topple the inferior squabble that is the humans of this world.

How to Raise Your I.Q. on Amazon

I Don't Care if My Best Friend's Mom is a Sasquatch, She's Hot and I'm Taking a Shower With Her.

There wasn’t enough title space to finish this monstrosity in this website, but the final part is: “Because its the new millennium” (naturally)

My middle school teacher always told me, “When you don’t understand something, sit down, and slowly try to deconstruct it.” So let us do just that, and see if we come to any conclusions about this book. Which I will also note, is only volume one.

So, my best friend’s mom is a sasquatch. I can accept this reality.

I don’t care if she’s a sasquatch. I guess, this too I can accept. I like to think that I’m the kind of person who wouldn’t care if my best friend’s mom was one.

But wait. I only don’t care (if I’m reading this right), because she’s Hot. Well, that’s just wrong. I’m sure she is an amazing person. After all, she raised my best friend, and I like them!

OH AND I’M WHAT!

Mom is a Sasquatch on Amazon

Everything I know about Women I learned from my Tractor

If the man on the cover laughing staring right into your soul isn’t enough to scare you off, I don’t know what will.

Are you the kind of person who finds it easier to relate to a Tractor than a person? Did Mater from the Cars movies appear in your dreams more than just a few times? Are you thinking about your tractors right now? ~ If you answered yes to any of those questions, this book is one for you.

Within this book, the author opens up about small-town life, and is billed as his “ultimate contribution to mankind” … that is a pretty big claim, but once you’ve got into the first few pages you’ll be hooked.

The next stop will be Roger Welsch’s other hits “Old tractors never die”, “Love, Sex and Tractors” then all stops to “Old tractors and the men who love them”.

Everything I know on Amazon

Microwave for One

Microwave cooking turned all the way up to 1.

If you’ve ever needed a reason to kick out your friends and treat yourself to a warm all the way through, slightly soggy meal, well now you have one.

Microwave for One is really the book that put Sonia Allison on the map, some say she meditated alone for in solidarity for an entire year, working her way into a trans-like state and accepting wholly and fully what it is like to be one with the microwave, and then one by one ripped the recipe’s out of the void and wrote them into this book.

Each day when I get hungry, I look to the skies and think to myself, “What would Sonia Allison do”, the path quickly becomes clear, and a soothing wave washes over me as the gentle hum and rotation of the microwave eases my troubled soul.

Microwave for One on Amazon

More great pantyhose crafts.

If you haven’t had enough, then fear not, because there are more!

If there is one thing that has never been further away from my Christmas list, its some of my Mom’s recycled pantyhose creepily crafted into, as the cover outlines: dolls, wall hangings, music boxes, and holiday decorations.

That said, there are some incredible uses for this book.

Example 1: Your treasured daughter has bought home a new boyfriend, and his birthday is right around the corner. Some handily crafted pantyhose, molded into a deformed doll mildly resembling their appearance will solve that problem faster than you can say “why does this book exist”.

Example 2: You could find out how on earth does anyone make a music box with their pantyhose.

Pantyhose Crafts on Amazon

Extreme Ironing

For the adrenaline junky looking to get their fix in this modern crazy world.

If you’re like me, crumpled shirts are an absolute no-no, I won’t even leave the house with one.

Before I read this book I felt alone… when accidents happened, accidentally causing a crease in my otherwise perfectly cardboard-esque flat shirt, I would retreat to safety in my home… now, I’ve seen the light, and the light is all about carrying with you the tools to iron your shirts.

Be it on the steep rockface of El Capitan, or the blue depths of the Great Barrier Reef, I feel comfortable knowing that I have the tools at my disposal to quickly, quietly and efficiently iron out any crumples on my clothing, and in my life.

Extreme Ironing on Amazon

Crocheting Adventures with Hyperbolic Planes

Deep down you feel it. The time is now. Take the plunge and raise your Crocheting to the next level.

Forget scarves. Forget Socks. Forget Sweaters. Forget anything Euclidean… from now on, it’s all about non-Euclidean geometries.

Get those crocheting needles ready, because this book is the jumping-off point… no longer will you be making useful items to keep you warm during the winter. Now you’ll be turning your left frontal lobe into the thundering thermos that will keep you in a heated sweat for the rest of your life.

These creations will not only prove to be a mind-bending, awe-inspiring blob of fabric within your home, but also a great talking point for your favorite mathematician friends.

Crocheting Adventures on Amazon

The Manly Art of Knitting

A man needs to know many things. On the top of that list, is the noble art of knitting.

Hey there cowboy. You’ve got the ranching part down, sheep are your game. Herding sheep, shearing sheep, and selling that fine A grade wool. The wool goes to the stores, people buy the wool, people knit with the wool, and when the winter rolls around, you’re buying your own wool back!?

With this book, you can cut out the middle man. Start with a scarf. Move up to gloves. Next the saddle. These are life skills that will last forever.

Soon you’ll be the fastest needle twizzler in the west, and the world will look to you in awe.

The Manly Art of Knitting on Amazon

Dancing with Cats.

You’ve seen Dances with Wolves 1000 times. You never miss an episode of Dancing with the stars. Well, now you’re ready for Dancing with Cats!

This book isn’t about that cat and mouse that’s between a cat and a mouse. It’s about the cat and mouse that’s between a human and a cat. “Please for the love of all that is holy let me love you” would be the words I would utter within my brain, trying to win the affections of my beloved cat.

I grew tired of the same ole tango, the same old two-step, the same regular cat and mouse and invested in Dancing with Cats.

Now, my cat and I are two peas in a pod. Dance partners who start with ballroom as the sun goes down… explore contemporary dance throughout the night, and bring the sun up with a powerful foxtrot.

Dancing with Cats on Amazon

The Stray Shopping Carts of Eastern North America

Are you considering a trip to Eastern North America? It would be a huge missed opportunity to go without knowing how to identify the shopping carts of the local areas.

For those in the know, the differences between Eastern and Western North American shopping carts are just night and day.

Honestly, I sometimes lie awake at night cringing at the cart misidentification of my past.

Those days are long behind me though, whether it be the northern four-wheeled whistler, to the eastern tri-tailed wongler.

When it comes down to brass tacks, with this book, you’ll never be ignorant again.

The Stray Shopping Carts on Amazon

Be Bold with Bananas.

You’re bold with apples. You’re bold with oranges. Well now, its time to be Bold. With. Bananas!

An instant classic that will take you right back to its publishing date, 1974.

An instant beloved treasure that will open your eyes to the world of bananas.

An instant friend that will sit quietly on the bookshelf at your home… you’ll look across the room in a small gathering and make gentle eye contact, and feel true comfort.

An instant memory, from the first time you open the book entering your new bold banana life.

And an instant life long wondering that will sit deep in your soul, as you wonder how you ever looked at bananas as boring.

Bold with Bananas on Amazon

A Million Random Digits with 100,000 Normal Deviates

The perfect guidebook for numbers 0 to 9 in random order!

When was the time you read a book that contained every single number in it… probably never!

Not only does this book contain 0’s and 1’s, but it also has 2’s and 3’s. In fact, it contains all ten numbers that exist.

Now, the book touts that these digits are in completely random order, but some dark edges of the internet believe there is a pattern in this book, waiting for someone with rain-man like abilities to truly decode its secrets.

Each night, my young son lies eagerly for me to sit and in the most monotone voice read out these numbers. A quick search says it will take approximately 12 days of straight reading to get to the end. I expect to finish by the time he turns 23.

A Million Random Digits on Amazon

Don't Bend Over in the Garden, Granny, You Know Them Taters Got Eyes

I know one thing for sure, it’s that author if author Lewis Grizzard was born a millennial, he’d be dropping the dankest memes left, right and center.

As someone who previously knew not to bend over in the garden, and that them taters (boil em, mash em, stick em in a stew) do indeed have eyes, the instructional words of the title were lost to me.

Even then though, Lewis Grizzard’s greasy slicked back hair, up-way-too-high cameltoe inspiring pants, American gothic fork, and beady beady eyes stared right into my soul, leaning over he whispered the somber words “take me home and read me”

The cover of this book alone makes it worthy of the Pulitzer Prize for photography. The content of the book, which can’t possibly be as interesting also exists.

Them Taters Got Eyes on Amazon

Sun-beams may be extracted from cucumbers, but the process is tedious.

The most boring book, for the most boring person.

As someone who prides themselves in collecting strange and boring books, I have to say, this one truly takes the cucumber… but the process is tedious.

Now. If you love cucumbers, sun, beams, tedious processes, or have family in New Haven then there is a chapter within this marvelous oration for you.

But for real, if you’re into 1800’s history, and have the true strength of will and mind to look past the red flags that are the cover and title of this wonder, then you’re in for a treat; That is, a series of manuscripts for your trouble, providing insights into the lives and troubles of people who would definitely not read this if it was between that and eating 15 raw cucumbers in a row.

Sun-beams from cucumbers on Amazon

How to poo on a date

Finally, someone is answering the questions we’ve all had on our lips from the age of 14.

When it comes to dating there are endless resources, literally, endless. Enough that you could read from the age of 10 until the age of 99 and still have more to read. Interestingly though, very few websites, blogs, libraries, or archives dig into the taboo subject of pooping on dates.

Without giving too much away, you’ll learn a vast array of tools to help you in those awkward situations. From the slightly too long “just going to freshen up” to the “oh, the line is really big, sorry” text message sent as you’re sitting on the John.

Really though, knowing when and how to get away when you need to “get away” is an incredibly useful skill, and will remain useful as long as you’re a human who needs to poop.

How to poo on a date on Amazon

How to S**t in the woods.

The ultimate wilderness guide for the shy pooper.

Throw away your first and second editions. Grab your specialty hiking trowel off your hiking specific utility belt (not the one you use for city life, or home life), and get ready for an adventure into nature knowing full well that you will be the most perpared person because the third edition is here today!

If you’ve ever had to poop before (I’m guessing that because you’re reading this, that may be the case), you may know some of the dynamics at play… and perhaps you’ve learned a thing or two through the first two editions, but in the third (I’ve never missed one), the author has really opened up my eyes to a whole different way of life.

How to poop in the woods on Amazon Listen on Audible

Do It Yourself Coffins for Pets and People

If you’re a fan of the darker side of literature, this one is for you.

Edgar Allan Poe wept, whilst reading the ever macabre “Do it yourself coffins”, for he knew that there was a whole new dimension of darkness that could be bled from the pages.

Whether you’re the amateur coffin maker or the do-it-yourself planner of the future, you shouldn’t browse without at least considering this beauty.

Now, this doesn’t go without warning, if you’re the perfectionist looking for the perfect place to rest your head, reviews of this book suggest there are many some improvements that can be made… for those, I guess we’ll be waiting for the second edition.

Do It Yourself Coffins on Amazon

How to Make a Towel Monkey and other Cruise Ship Favorites

One of the worlds greatest mysteries finally revealed.

There are many things that keep me up at night… the mysteries entangled within the Bermuda Triangle, the DaVinci Code, and the sock missing from the washing machine… the secret of the towel monkey was another of the universes most tightly kept secrets until this tell-all exclusive!

If you’ve ever tried to painstakingly deconstruct a towel monkey, in step-by-step meticulous detail, you will have fallen into the same traps as I did. When you eventually try to piece it back together you’re left with a wrinkled towel with a couple of ugly twists resembling more of a twisted sweat rag than a monkey.

It might be hard to believe, but with this first edition book, the elusive towel monkey will suddenly be in your grasp!

How to Make a Towel Monkey on Amazon

Walmart Atlas

The only atlas you’ll ever need.

Imagine this, you get back from a busy day in the city. You’re tired of your job and the endless grind. You open your Walmart Atlas. Closing your eyes, you start flicking through the pages with your keyboard-calloused fingers. You slap your index finger down on a random page.

The famous Walmart of Omaha, Nebraska.

Your eyes light up, that’s it! You book the flights immediately, not an ounce of doubt in your mind.

You jet to Nebraska, and go straight to the mart! The deals are amazing. The food is amazing. Your problems are gone! All because of this amazing resource.

Walmart Atlas on Amazon

The Beginner's Guide to Sex in the Afterlife

Let’s just say that you don’t really want to go to the afterlife without a little knowledge about how it all goes down over there.

The thing about the afterlife is that you don’t exist anymore… everything is different without the earthly tethers. And one of the things that are most different, at the very least according to this book, is sex.

Now, the real trick is getting a headstart on the afterlife in regular life! Especially when you exist on another plane of existence, potentially in physical form, but very likely as a fluid ectoplasm… get ahead when you can… and what better place to start than the fundamentals.

Sex in the Afterlife on Amazon

Mom is Dating Weird Wayne

Find out what mom is up to next in this exciting hit.

Oh no! You wake from a nightmare and remember that your mom is still dating weird Wayne.

This book is more of a guidebook than a novel: how to come up with creative ways to distract and disturb your mother as she tries to re-enter the dating world and become happy again.

An extra disturbing feature of this book is that there is one on sale (at the time of writing) for over $800… I guess good advice is hard to come by these days.

Mom is Dating Weird Wayne on Amazon

Anybody Can Be Cool, But Awesome Takes Practice

Cool people? They’re a dime a dozen. Look left, look right, there they are. But Awesome people… that’s a whole different thing.

Practicing being Awesome with a capital A is a difficult task, with many sub awesome tasks that you will need to overcome on your quest to the guy on the cover of this book… lighting up his audience with an eye wateringly beautiful tale of how when he wakes up in the morning, the sun looks to him to see if it should rise.

It may take more than one read through, but over time this book will open you up to the possibility of being awesome.

Leonidis, before leading his Spartans into the grueling battle ahead, often quoted this book as to one of his main influences and sources of strength.

Anybody Can Be Cool on Amazon

People Who Don't Know They're Dead: How They Attach Themselves to Unsuspecting Bystanders and What to Do About It

Has someone dead attached themselves to you? This guide will help you, and them, move on.

There is a wonderful duality to this book. Its the kind that will help you if you’re healthy and alive, but also, if you’re the kind of introspective dead person it will also be a very useful resource.

The real treasure of this beauty is the chapters on attachment to unsuspecting bystanders, which again are relevant to both the living and dead.

People Who Don't Know on Amazon

Better Never to Have Been: The Harm Of Coming Into Existence

The very thought of sitting down to write, and deciding that the knowledge you wish to share with the world is purely what the world would be like without you in it… gives me the strangest kind of chills.

If you ever lie awake wondering about the butterfly effect… what small things you’ve done in the world that have had massive repercussions, then this book is not for you, because after it you’ll actually just straight up stop sleeping.

That said, if you’re in a deep, dark, “You don’t know me dad or what I’m going through!” kind of mood, perhaps the idea of exploring life without humans interference is actually going to be fun! You might learn something too!

Better Never to Have Been on Amazon

Castration: The Advantages and the Disadvantages

One of the truest miracles is how a book with such an exciting title, can have the such a plain cover.

When it comes to castration, it goes without saying that being an even little informed goes a long long way. It may not be obvious to all, but the act of castration can not be undone (That’s a CON).

A simple advantage is that if you’re kicked in your private you will be numb to the pain others would receive (That is a very solid PRO).

These simple advantages and disadvantages barely begin to scratch the surface and historical ideas behind castration that you’ll get in the first three pages of this powerful tome.

Castration: the pro's and cons on Amazon